Pensive Mood

Been almost 2 weeks in Melbourne and I am still finding it hard to believe that my first year in Australia is about to end, will I embark on my second year in Australia or will I just leave and go somewhere else. I haven't seen a lot of Australia, not the main touristic part of it, like the Uluru, Northern Territory, the gold coast or even Tasmania but for the past two weeks I have seen myself wasting my life doing absolutely nothing, waiting for the day to pass just so I can figure out what to do and giving excuses that I have been resting isn't really worth my time here in Australia. I have been doing something but traveling alone can make me feel a bit lonely. I have given the thought of going to Brazil for a few months and then return to Australia to resume my journey but then what is the point when I am here for holiday why should I go to for a holiday within a holiday. I have to make myself believe that I am in holiday mode again. I haven't been in holiday for more than 5 months, been constantly, well kind of working but somehow did enjoy it. I did enjoy the pace of life back in Perth somehow got too used to it that now I feel out of place but I am still trying to adapt myself to this new place in Melbourne, I have been trying to rely of things that were beyond my control that I have forgotten my own needs. Whether I go to Brazil or not I will have to find out what I want from this first.

Prisoner

Sometimes is hard to know whether what you are about to do is the best decision you will ever make or the worse decision that will haunt you for the rest of your will life. Sometimes its easier to create you own prison because we create our own destiny and therefore we create our own mistake and then if we are too afraid to run our destiny we turn our back and close our door creating our own prison and protecting us from the evildoers that are out there lurking and waiting. But because we don't know which one to let in into our lives, we closed ourselves into this prison of solace. Sometimes, I don't know whether my decision in life will make me better or worse but I am sure I have the guts to go for it and weather whatever storms come to my way, hoping that this time I would be able to ride it out without any injuries. Hopefully, whatever decision I will make, it won't be back haunting me because should've, would've and could've are just walls that need to be crossed but since I've got nothing to loose, these walls are not too high for me to jump and since they are not too high I won't be nothing at all when I fall. However I will not be the prisoner of my mind, the mind can confuse your thoughts and even corrupt them with things that might not even be real, with doubts and insecurities, with fear and pain, we are our worst enemy and we need to know how to defeat it. Find the key to your cellar and open it and be free, be free to do the unlimited, the untouchable just because your consciences tells you otherwise doesn't mean you can't do it. Yes I can!

Positive Influx

Finding a place and settling down can't be hard, but it is not unachievable, I have already been here for a week and I am kind of starting to see the positive side of it, it is hard to find the the little light out of the tunnel but I have to stay positive. Things might turned out to be a great move, if not I still have the option to go somewhere else. Today I kind of realize who my friends are and well I can't blame them for not being there. Live moves on, I move on as well. It is hard for me not to reply to a message sent by people that asked me how I am doing which means I cannot fathom that people can't reciprocate. It doesn't really take a lot of time, the effort counts more than a paragraph of meaningless sentences glued up to make up some superficial context. It's the hard way to learn about life and the hard way will be for them to realize that once they are down, they will hope that people will be giving them some hope and happiness. People don't hang in there for too long, friends come and go, the one who are truly your friends will always be there for you. I am lucky that I have some of them and I am blessed that I can count of them.

Perplexity

Melbourne for sure is nice but living in a new city without really knowing anybody can be a bit suffocating, it is like living in a hostel with complete strangers, sometimes you feel lonely not that because you are not surrounded by people but because you are surrounded by strangers. It is not that hard to get to know people again, I mean it is easy and nice but somehow I do feel reserved about meeting people again, somehow I feel a bit reserved, somehow I just feel so bored that I really want to leave, I have been thinking about leaving and fantasizing about going to Brazil, I mean it is cheaper to live there and since I am writing a book I need to make sure I can live without the need to work for a few months not until I finish my project, I can't be distracted this time and I don't to be postponing it again and again. I do feel better when I am planning to do something. It has been already a week and I just don't see myself doing anything productive and I just do want to waste my life living in a limbo because I don't want to regret for not living my life at full. However choices are so hard and maybe Australia ain't for but who knows if I never tried my best. I am just going to see how it all goes.

Pesos

Time like this people should appreciate their coins more and especially their coin holder.

Parting

Melbourne is a place to be, after 5 months or so in Perth, I have grown tired of the same slow paced city of Perth, a place where I have fallen in Love 5 months ago, but wasn't never really into it, it was a lovely place, nice place to look at but it really lacked the heart beat, the atmosphere wasn't there and it feel quite a bit sleep and lethargic, not laid back because that is Adelaide. People were different, people in Adelaide were a bit more helpful and chatty, people in Perth were somehow different, not really a place to meet people if you want me to put it this way. I've meet so many strangers in one night in Adelaide but in Perth I could only meet backpackers. Leaving a place and starting all over again, that is what I am going through again. Looking for some familiarity just to be able to grasp the new scene, the new atmosphere and the new social life is fascinating. For me Melbourne has its mysteries, a place where the feeling and the city is immerse able, it is a place to be but how long will I be here is still a mystery of its own. I have grown a bit queasy and tired of exploring this new city. I have done it and I really can't be bothered doing it all over again, meeting new people and trying to get my life back here again and again, sometimes is tiring because you feel like starting from zero. Melbourne is a place to be but is it a place for me to be?

Posibilidades

Life and the decisions we make are hard in life, just because we now have more to choose from, but whatever the decision we decided to choose, we must stand by it and go through it and survive it, that's the pleasure of living a challenging life, because at the end of the day we are the drivers of our destiny not the passengers.

Pending

Transition, passage, changeover, conversion and modulation there are so many words to describe this period of uncertainty but there is nothing much to gain from it. I know that life is not about gaining things but doing nothing is excruciating, boredom is killing me. I hate this lethargic feeling and I wish I could find something to do but I can't and the more I try to do something the more I feel frustrated cause I really don't know what else to do. Now I do understand how my fellow mates were feeling like back then, when I was actually working and they were looking for a job and whinging about how hard it was to find a job, yeah back then I couldn't fathom that they were so bored of this place. It is really easy to whinge about this and yet do nothing so I have decided to take action into my hands by doing something tomorrow, something at least, even thou it would be my last thing to do here in this sleepy city of Perth. Tomorrow I will go out and take some pictures and actually do something, nothing fancy, nothing extraordinary but something simple and enjoyable, something memorable and yet achievable.

Paraiso

Purification

Been trying to find this thing to move on, to clean myself. I have been running away and searching for this eternal Eden, but then I haven't realize that I am not really looking for this eternal paradise, well I have but what's is the point of being there when there is no one alongside you to spend your life with in this ethereal place. I have been searching for the wrong medicine, I have been craving for the wrong chocolate or I have been taking the wrong drug and perhaps I have lost track of what I am here for. I came here to Australia in a search for something but I wasn't sure from the beginning what was it that I was searching for. I am a runner but what am I running away from? From the comfort of a warm place where everything is familiar or from the fact that I wasn't never able to find this person whom I can really relate to or be comfortable with. I have found this person but then somehow I managed to sabotage the whole thing because that's me, I was too complacent with it or maybe as a human being I need to find and excuse to keep running and keep searching.

Poignant Satire

Being jobless is either a good thing a bad thing, the good thing about being unemployed is that you have no one bossing you around like a dickhead on a power trip or pretend to like your uptight teenager manager who believes he knows more than you based on the fact that he worked there longer than your university degree. However being a bum is also quite boring and unsatisfying, I mean I really don't know what to do, I am trying to be as creative as I can, to try to get into something that can actually give me some knowledge or an edge when I actually get back to the workplace or something that can actually give me pleasure and at the same time some cash so I can pay off for my Aussie lifestyle. I haven't been doing anything but been to a lot of places, especially I have been lurking around the electronic shops around the CBD for some new cool gadgets but since its the bloody economic crisis, I really have not guts to buy anything expensive or something that I already own (a crappy old one but still works) so nothing luxurious at the moment, not until I get another job. It has been alright to be honest, besides that fact that I haven't been drinking beer or that I spend a lot of my time in front of the computer playing video games and reading books. Hey this economic turmoil might as well bring out something cool out of me or bring me close to shrink.

Perth

Today will be my last weekend here in Perth and to be honest I wouldn't know what will I be missing from here. Don't get me wrong, I loved this place, I loved it so much that I have been here for almost 5 months but not long enough for some people but long enough for a backpacker who came here to Australia to see the most out of this magnificent country. I stayed here too long because I got too complacent with the idea of living here and also because Perth like no other big cities in Australia is a place that doesn't really suit you if you are as some of my friends would put it "single". It is a good place for couple or a good place when you are surrounded by people or friends and since all my travel companions are starting to depart, I might as just follow the trend and bow out of here before I go mental. I mean I loved meeting people but I just can't stay here again and do it all over again because I have done a lot in Perth and do it again with new people is just not my thing. I know, kind of where I am heading next and I hope that when I get there, things would be much better but yeah I will be a new fish and probably swimming with new fish as well so everything would be new and entertaining and fresh. I am thrilled to be leaving this wonderful egalitarian city.

Pensando

Saudade

Sometimes you think you know a lot until you have actually crossed the lines, that means you know nothing, how can you crossed the line and claim you know it all, when you actually know nothing about whether you have gone too far, there is a limit in life and balance, and if you can balance it you will end you in the wrong side of the fence. I tried to balance my life in Australia but i ended up falling, falling for the forbidden fruit, how could i be that careless and how could i be that stupid, none will ever know but my need for some kind of human affection has made me blind for not be able to see that the forbidden fruit always looks good to the eyes but not to the soul. I feel gutted and this confusing feeling is ripping me apart, I don't know how I am feeling and I don't know how to handle my mood swings because one moment I am filled with hope and excitment and the next I am filled with anger and disappointment. What have I done wrong I will never find out cause the bridge is already burnt and how can I forgive myself for not analyzing carefully my actions, I am not wiser than a few years ago but dafter than before. I am not a man of patiente but a man of action, doesn't action speak louder than words. One thing I have concluded is taking one step at a time and hopefully one day I can look back and not regret the unregretable mistake that I have done today.